By THERE IS A GOD DAMN LIZARD LOOSE IN THE HOUSE AND WHAT THE ACTUALLY HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?!
Let’s flash back for a moment.
I’m slowly getting moved into my new house (let’s not talk about the mess… boxes everywhere). It’s been over a week now and unpacking is slowgoing at best. Last time I moved was during the pandemic so I had nothing but time to get unpacked and settled into my new apartment. Not so much the case now.
After speed moving on a Tuesday, it was time to get back to the office on Wednesday. My clothes have yet to make it to where they belong so I had to shuffle to the diningroom to find some underthings to wear from a laundry basket. As I sorted through the basket, some movement caught my eye.
It was a lizard. Don’t ask me what kind because Google is being unhelpful but it’s Florida, these things are everywhere… including inside of my house.
This was the first morning in the new house, I didn’t sleep great, and I was running late to work. So I just gave the little thing a nod and went about my morning. There were really two options in my mind for what was going to happen to it- it was going to find its way back outside or become a cat toy.
Not my problem, I had places to be.
This was about a week and a half ago and aside from mentioning the lizard as a passing anecdote of life in the new house, I didn’t give it much thought.
As I was going about my morning today, Lemon was acting like a maniac which isn’t unusual so I ignored her and went about my day. This was until I saw her paying extra special attention to a duffle bag sitting near to where I had first seen my unwelcome houseguest. I move the bag, scaring the shit out of the lizard and me.
The hunt was on.
Guinness got in on the fun and the two were on high alert for the thing. Eventually, all three of them got under the couch in the living room and I gave up on even hoping to be of any assistance.
Here I am just trying to get boxes unpacked and figure out where things go while trying to ignore the unhinged chaos going on all around me. I tried to help, I really did, but the lizard’s ninja-like moves were too much for me. So, I just continued to unpack while the cats enjoyed their hunt.
This all goes on for about an hour. My ADHD ass got distracted and began surfing Amazon for lizard repellent to use around the door frames in the hopes of getting ahead of any future occurrences of squatting reptiles. Turns out peppermint will actually deter a bunch of common Florida pests so can’t wait to BATHE THE HOUSE IN IT.
While I’m sitting there, Guinness emerges from under the couch and flops down, seemingly defeated, on the ground in front of the front door. I peek over to see what’s up and I see our lizard friend also taking a break about a foot away from here. Lemon is also watching on.
Apparently the three of them called a truce.
I slowly make my way over to them and with caution typically reserved for bomb defusal technicians, I get the door open while managing to keep the cats at bay.
With a piece of paper and swift movements, I manage to yeet the thing out the front door where it flopped, unceremoniously onto the front porch.
It seemed to be quite dumbfounded by everything that happened and sat there for so long I thought he might have died of shock.
But I checked, it left. Or got eaten by a bird.
Whatever.
Naturally, my ADHD sell then had to stop everything I was doing to write this because I thought it was amusing and needed to share.
I also made lunch.
Might be time for a nap.
Avoiding Neverland 