How Are You Still Single? Oh, That Makes Sense.

As someone who is single in his 30’s, the most obnoxious question is always, “how are you still single?!” Its right up there with straight women who think, “OMG if you were into girls, I’d be all over you” is endearing.

I recently had an office therapy session* where we discussed my dating history and my absolute unwillingness to play the dating game anymore.

*Office therapy session is what I call it when someone comes into my office and we start chatting and then things get deep and real very fast and it turns out we both just need an actual therapist but we have no health insurance and live in America.

Earlier this year, I was seeing someone and we discussed that a bit as my therapy partner was familiar with the relationship. I didn’t write about it or really share it publicly because it wasn’t anything defined and (if I’m being honest) I never really share relationship stuff anyway because I firmly (and usually correctly) believe that it’s not anything that’s going to last. All good things.

We were together for a while without really defining anything and things eventually fizzled out and ended. Like they do.

I did have a moment of “I’ll download Tinder” again and that went as well as expected. First guy I matched with came back with “Boy, are you a guerrilla enclosure? Because I’d like to drop a child in you.”

And that was the end of that.

Recently, I had to spend a great deal of time at the vet. Lemon developed an aural hematoma and, thankfully, didn’t need surgery but we had to make several trips to the vet over the course of a couple months to check in on her recovery progress and see how much money I could charge to a single credit card.

Because things are still COVID-y, I spent 100% of the vet visits sitting in the waiting area while Lemon went off on a grand adventure. I actually think I spoke to the actual vet one time, while the rest of my experience was dealing with the vet techs.

One of the techs in particular was incredibly cute and very sweet. I dealt with him the most over the couple months that we spent back and forth to the office and it was magical.

I mean, Lemon hated every minute of it because it combined everything she hates: the cat carrier, the car and people who aren’t me.

On our last visit, I decided to dial and charm up to an 11 because, who knew when we would see each other again. Keep in mind that a Josh 11 is a normal person 2.5 at best. Also, it was luck of the draw that we ended up with him as our tech, but we did.

He called us up the counter and began running through the normal, beginning of appointment questions.

“How’s Lemon doing?”
“Pissed to be here but other than that, good.”
“Any nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, lack of appetite, excessive sleeping, exhaustion?”

Now, the answer to this question was no but I decided it was go time for the flirting.

Well, my brain only latched on to the last two things he said which were “excessive sleeping and exhaustion” and went with “I don’t know about her, but I sure do.”

At this time, my brain caught up with my stupid mouth and realized what I had just done.

After a moment of very awkward silence I finally said, “Nope, she’s good. I’m going to go sit down now.”

Shockingly, he didn’t profess his love for me right then and there and refuse to let me leave until I gave him my number and a promise of a date.

So this is now the story I tell when people ask me why I’m single.

I would really like to pretend that that was the only stupid thing that I said to this poor man while we were at the vet’s office that day but it wasn’t, we’re just going to leave it at that because it honestly didn’t get better.

Thankfully all the cats are nice and healthy and maybe by time we return, he’ll have forgotten how awkward I am… until I say something even stupider.