Do You Want Basic White Girls? Because This is How You Get Basic White Girls!


Ya’ll we are living in some strange times and just when you think things can’t get weirder- they do.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have very strong feelings about alcohol… in that I love me some alcohol…


I mean, as a bartender I have a healthy respect for alcohol and all the magic it brings.

I fully recognize that I’m not painting myself in the best light here so I’m going to move on.


I obviously have some opinions about certain things and it’s very clear to a great many people that I’m not a fan of those seltzer cocktail things. Matter of fact, I spent a large chunk of my brother’s wedding making fun of my sister for her apparent love of White Claws.

My brother and I don’t agree on much but the general consensus between us was that we would rather drink fresh horse piss over those things. Of course you have my sister on the other side of the argument sitting there like:


Meanwhile my brother and I are downing whiskey like:


Then you have my other sister just sitting there:


All said and done it was an interesting wedding but that’s not the point here.

What is the point, Josh? You may be asking. I’ll tell you.



Anyone who knows me knows that I have very strong and judgmental feelings about White Claw, which is why what happened this past weekend was so weirdly shocking.

I had Saturday off and spent most of it being the laziest of all the humans right up until I realized I didn’t have anything for dinner. I was so very tempted to order something but I’m about at my budgeted amount for take-out food for the month and we’re barely halfway through it. I decided to trek my lazy self to Publix for some dinner. (In my defense I cooked something I didn’t just get some premade stuff).

I was gone from my house for maybe 30 minutes when I came home to an odd surprise on my doorstep- a case of White Claw.

This was weird for a number of reasons, the first being- I CAN’T STAND SELTZER COCKTAIL DRINKS (In case you didn’t read the first part of this).

The next weird part was that I just moved into this place a few months ago and really only Ashley-Michelle and her roommates have been there during a drive-by birthday situation last month. Even then, they never left the car so they’ve never actually been to my front door much less know where it is.


As you can see- there was no note left on it so I had no idea if it was actually meant for someone else or someone was pulling a weird prank. I messaged Ash-Mich and co to see if they knew anything about it but they didn’t. They also all know better. If you’re going to gift me alcohol- bring me whiskey.

I initially left the case out there in case the gifter realized their mistake and came back for it but then I started getting paranoid that a child would come by and swipe it. Granted very few children live in my complex as far as I can tell, but I was paranoid nonetheless. I brought it inside and left a note on my door for anyone that may come searching for it.


I then found out a fun and weird way to meet my neighbors. Knock on their door and ask if they’re missing their White Claw.


So now I’m the not-so-proud owner of a case of Black Cherry White Claw and I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

Someone please send help…

Or some basic white girls…

But not that second part.

3 comments on “Do You Want Basic White Girls? Because This is How You Get Basic White Girls!”

  1. I’m a gin drinker and typically have zero desire to drink White Claw but now, I’m pregnant. During the middle of a goddamn pandemic, so basically – I would gnaw my own arm off for a White Claw or one of those Truly drinks or hell, even the seltzers that Budweiser is making.

    I say, you make cocktails with them – tequila, grapefruit juice with a splash of White Claw makes a pretty good bastard Paloma and anywhere you’d normally use club soda, sub in a White Claw.

    If you’ve got it, might as well use it.


    1. Haha that has been my thought. Maybe throw some vodka in there and hope for the best.

      I will say I actually just tried gin for the very first time during my quarantine. Aviation Gin donated to the Bartender’s Relief Fund so I thanked them by buying a bottle and I actually loved it!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s