There Are Definitely Ghosts Here and I Don’t Care What Anyone Says

It’s hard to think that less than a month ago, things were totally normal and I could just pop over to Target and buy some toilet paper. I also had a job then. It was a better time.

Anyway, before the world went insane, I took a trip to Portland, Oregon to speak at a school. Ashley-Michelle tagged along because she’d never been to Portland and wanted to escape from Florida for a bit. Because of the way our flights fell, on our last day we had some time before the red-eye flight to explore (more to come on those adventures).

After lunch we had pretty much exhausted our options on things to do after discovering that the bookstore we wanted to visit was A) not all that exciting and B) impossible to find parking anywhere near it.

I did some quick searching for things to do and stumbled upon the Pittock Mansion. It looked creepy and fun and like a great way to kill some time. I didn’t bother telling Ashley-Michelle where we were going because I knew she’d be on board with the madness. And she totally was.

I didn’t get a picture but apparently the parking lot used to be a tennis court and maybe a pool. I say maybe because I don’t remember but it would make sense. I would totally put a pool there. Though Portland gets cold and pools are hard to maintain. Maybe just put the tennis court back.

Oh yeah, if it was up to me I would totally buy this place and live there. You know, when I get super rich. The place would need some serious safety upgrades because it wasn’t built to withstand earthquakes. Oh, and there’s also the murderous ghosts that totally live there AND I DON’T CARE WHAT THE DOCENT LADY SAYS!!

I mean take a good long look at this place and tell me it isn’t haunted by some poor tortured souls. I should mention that we also went on a super rainy and depressing day which only lent to my theory of gruesome murders. I’ve also been watching a lot of American Horror Story lately.

As we wandered around I subtly hinted at both my desire to move and my theory of ghosts. The volunteer poo-pooed both of these things and I feel like she’s working for the demons that live there. All of them wanted to ruin my fun.

I would find those damn ghosts.

SIDE NOTE: I’m totally sorry if you happened upon this post while searching for information about the Pittock Mansion, you’re not going to find it here. I should also mention that all of this is mostly in my head and probably not true. I’m seriously what’s wrong with the internet BUT THIS PLACE IS TOTALLY HAUNTED AND I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS!!

The tour of the place is self-guided and we just aimlessly wandered and quickly learned that there are some places that guests weren’t allowed to go including the entire third floor. I assume these areas are where the ghosts are all hanging out.

I see you up there ghosts!

I was actually starting to believe in the lack of ghosts until we stumbled upon one of the kid’s rooms- it might have been a playroom but I threw away the map and I’m writing this based on my memory and we all know how great that is.

Anyway, as we were looking at the maybe playroom I discovered the Annabelle like-spirit that I know is haunting the place in the form of THE DEMON CLOWN FROM EVERYONE’S DAMN NIGHTMARES:

There is not one person in this world that can convince me that this thing isn’t coming to life and murdering people. And you want to know something, he’s taking the souls of his victims and trapping them in these damn demon dolls. CONVINCE ME THAT THERE AREN’T SOULS TRAPPED IN THESE DOLLS, I’LL WAIT!

You better believe that I googled the shit out of this place as soon as I got home. The only mention I could really find of possible ghosts was that the original owners peacefully haunted the place. Apparently they died soon after construction was done and since they didn’t get to enjoy it while they were alive, they haunt it in their deaths. But like in a Casper way and not an Annabelle way.

Which I’m calling bullshit on because LOOK AT THE DAMN MURDER COWN!

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.