Target is More Excited for my Baby than I Am

Whelp, it happened. I had a kid.

At least according to Target.

I never thought this day would come.

For reasons I don’t care to go into now, we were without water for a few days at the beginning of the month. With the madness of what was going on, coupled with my insane schedule, it was difficult to be able to take a proper shower. Sure, there was the option of running to my gym for one but my schedule wasn’t going for it.

Not an excuse at all but there it is.

As a result, I decided to go with a runners trick and get some baby wipes to use to clean myself off for the couple days I was going to be a gross person.

I also learned that the term for washing off with baby wipes is “take a hoe bath.” So this experience has at least been educational.

Anyway, since I’m a classy hoe, I bought my baby wipes at Target and naturally made sure to log in my Target Circle account and use my RedCard to save money. Again, classy hoe. As a result, I’m now getting an OBSCENE number of push notifications regarding baby products. Like, a lot.

Cribs? Diapers? Formula? Target has me covered.

Honestly, you’d think with the amount of cat food, wine and pints of ice cream I’m always buying they’d know that I’m single as fuck.

But no. Buy one pack of baby wipes and BOOM! You’re with child.

My big question is why the hell there are so many flavors of baby wipes.

Cucumber mint? REALLY?! Peaches & honey? WHY?!

Naturally I was on the phone with my sister while I was scoping out the varieties and had a lot of out loud questions about why the hell a baby’s ass is being treated better than me as a human in general. There were some people giving me some very… unamused looks in the aisle.

I didn’t care.

I needed my hoe-bath.

And now I’m a cucumber-minty hoe.