If I Could Pretend That I’m Asleep When My Tears Start To Fall

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Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday was a much needed breath of fresh air. Yesterday was a good day.

So why does today have to suck so hard?

To flashback, Ashley-Michelle and I decided that we needed something of a mental health break and just wanted to get the hell out of town for a while. Usually the two of us have something of a “date-night” once a week to just hang out and unwind. Because of our weird work schedules the past couple weeks, we really haven’t been able to get together.

I went to visit her at work Friday night when I got done and while chatting we realized we both had Monday off to hang out we decided to do something. Ashley’s one rule “I want to go somewhere I’ve never been.”

As much as I would have loved to whisk us both away to a fun day trip to New York or even Atlanta it wasn’t in the cards (why I am I not rich or sponsored by someone that wants to send me on fun trips? Where do I find these people? Is there an app for that?).

While sitting at the bar, I pulled out my phone and did some searching. God bless the internet. I managed to find a chain for “day trips from Orlando.” One popular destination seemed to be St. Augustine which is about a two hour drive away. I figured it would be good and when I mentioned it to her, she was done.

That was the extent of our planning to be honest. We figured we’d just drive up and see what happens. It turned out it was a ton of fun. We had lunch at A1A Burrito Works which was delicious. From there we drove into the heart of things, parked and acted like total tourists. We visited City Perks Coffee Co, the Pirate and Treasure Museum, Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum and finished off with a couple drinks at the Bar with No Name.

We had a lot of fun and it felt so damn good to get away and even just to get outside. I actually got some sun and felt like an actual human being for a while. I was totally prepared to write up a fun little post about the day. And then I woke up this morning feeling like absolute shit. No physically but mentally.

I’ve been sitting here for so long trying to get motivated to get going and do all the things I was hoping to accomplish for my weekend, but here I am, still in bed. I had just enough energy to get some water and grab my laptop. I’m supposed to meet Kevin for a movie later and I’m going to push myself into it though I’m no longer feeling excited about it. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

If I were to sum up how I have felt about the past year, this would pretty much be it. I just want to disappear.

That’s the thought that has been running through my head ever since I woke up this morning. And worse, is the idea that if I were to disappear, no one would really care. Well, the cats would probably care because who else is going to change the litter box?

It really scares me to have these thoughts and I know, in the end, it’s just my depression trying to get the best of me but it’s become harder and harder to fight off that little voice in my head. Today that little voice was being a bitch. I’m feeling better from where I was a couple hours ago but I’m still not good.

This has been a theme.

I know I talked a little but about my struggled last year but I haven’t mentioned it since. It’s mostly because it always feels like I’m whining. I know other people have it worse and why would anyone want to keep following a blog that does nothing but whine and about a million other excuses. I also try not to write about problems I’m having with people.

Sometimes one has everything to do with the other.

I feel like I’ve lost a lot this past year. Sometimes it was for the best. Relationships that I held dear turned out to be toxic and abusive. I was being hurt and used by people who claimed to care about me. I let them go. When someone who claims to care about you, hurts you so bad that it makes you want to hurt yourself, they are not someone to keep around. So I cut that person loose. There was no fight, no text or phone call, just letting go. I didn’t owe them any explanations.

This, however, led to an interesting ripple effect and soon I lost a lot more. I lost people. My people. My family. No fight, no text or phoune call, I was let go.

Because I don’t really know what the context of any of this could be, I can only make assumptions. In the end, I’m the bad guy in the story.

We can’t always be the hero.

I’m okay with not being a hero.

I mean, I’m not particularly good with the idea of being a villain but I have no energy to fight those who want to paint me as the bad guy in their story. I’m not saying I’m okay with it, I just don’t have the energy to fight it. People can think what they want and they can believe what they want. We all have that choice.

Do I believe that I’m always and 100% a good person, absolutely not. I just don’t give a shit anymore. But not giving a shit doesn’t mean I’m not affected. I’m still affected because it still hurts. And the more it hurts me the less I give a shit. It’s a vicious cycle.

I know how bad all of this is affecting me and it kills me that I can’t do anything about it. Because it all comes down to money. Therapy is expensive and even the cheap options are too far outside my budget. One group even offered , essentially, financial aid but the total cost was still too much. My insurance through work is terrible so it covers next to nothing.

My brain is a mess and my body is right behind it and I can’t do anything about it.

For the past few months I’ve known there is something wrong in my stomach. I’m not in any sort of pain but something just feels off. I was finally able to get a doctor’s appointment for this week but had to cancel it. My co-pay for the appointment was going to be $80.

I actually laughed at the woman on the phone when she said this because I was almost certain she was kidding. She wasn’t. This visit just to simple talk to someone about what could potentially be wrong was going to cost nearly $100 and possible treatment, medication, all of that would be even more. So glad that I put so much money from my paycheck towards insurance which is still going to end up costing me.

I really have no point to any of this. Welcome to my mind. 24 hours ago I was having so much fun with my friend, enjoying the sunshine and an adventure. Today I’m wondering if any of this is worth it anymore.

I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.

6 comments on “If I Could Pretend That I’m Asleep When My Tears Start To Fall”

  1. I’m so sorry you have been feeling so horrible for so long. If it helps at all, which I know is just a drop in the bucket, I would miss it if you quit writing!

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  2. Hey Josh,
    I hope you are better by now. You’re not whining. It’s not about whether others have it worse or not, it’s about how you are feeling. I hope you’ll soon get help for your health issues.

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    1. Thank you. Definitely still hit and miss but I’m slowly crawling out of that dark pit. Some days are great, others not so much, but I’m getting there. Thank you for reaching out 🙂

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  3. I feel ya. Lots of depression problems and gut problems are related. Mine certainly are. You should see a doctor for blood work at least- I know MORE money- but it can rule out the big baddies that are easy to treat (diabetes, Gal bladder dis-function, liver trouble, Thyroid conditions…). Including live foods can help. Yogurt, Kimche, beet kavass, keffir, fermented pickles. I make my own when I can- it’s cheaper and requires no extra equipment. Although there is plenty of specialized stuff out there 🙂 I also recently discovered Chickory. Which I always mis-spell. It’s a tea that tastes a little like coffee- they actually add it to coffee in New Orleans. It’s a digestive bitter- so you shouldn’t add sugar. No caffine, but lots of benefits for your digestion. I usually have a cup before bed, and my acid reflux is WAYYY down now. I see you have a more recent post, so glad you made it thru. Darn frustrating about the dog. Go agitate for change.

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    1. Thanks for the comment! I’ve still been back and forth mentally but I’m making small steps to feeling better. I’ve altered my diet and the issues I was having seemed to have subsided so I’m guessing my diet was a big part of what I was feeling. I’m getting myself to the gym more which has been a help on some fronts. I haven’t heard of Chickory. I’m tempted to try but I’m very anti-coffee as I can’t stand the taste. I have been adding greek yogurt to my daily smoothie and have been munching on pickles a lot lately. Who knows! We shall see.

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