I’ve somehow managed to make it an entire year without getting just wine-drunk enough to completely throw my self-esteem into the garbage and download Tinder. I’m going to go ahead and give myself a big ole pat on the back because the temptation has been extremely over-whelming.
It does get one thinking though, when plotting to join up a dating site. How am I going to market myself? What are the best things about me to get someone to swipe, or click, or whatever?
I’m done with all of that.
Instead, I’m going to go ahead and present to the Internet-world all the reasons why you should probably run as far away from me as humanly possible!
You’re welcome world.
I’m Probably Going to Make You Fat
I love to cook and I’m more inclined to enjoy a night in over going out. Therefore, to entice you, I’m going to make you a home cooked meal. Problem is, none of my specialties are particularly healthy so, even though I can make healthy stuff, you’re going to fall in love with the fatty ones and request them constantly. And I’ll happily oblige.
Fair warning, my homemade macaroni and cheese will take roughly ten years off of your life.
I Will Always Love My Pets More Than You
True story, a guy I was dating once asked me if I loved him as much as I loved my cats. The answer was a resounding no. Granted we were about a week away from me breaking up with him so that might have affected the situation but it spoke volumes to my priorities.
My animals are my children. If you don’t like them, I don’t care if you’re Chris Evans, it’s going to be a deal breaker. I’m a crazy cat lady. I own that. If you’re allergic or “don’t like cats” then it’s really not going to work. Sorry.
I will always smile at a dog before a person.
Intimacy Freaks Me Out
The idea of someone knowing everything about me makes me insanely uncomfortable. After having dealt with failed relationships both friendships and intimate ones, I don’t like the idea of someone knowing so much about me when I pretty much consider them a stranger. It takes a long time before I’m convinced that you’re not going anywhere. Maybe then I’ll let you in on my favorite color.
I’m Probably Also Going to Over-Share
While I may remain guarded on some of my deeper-darker secrets, I will gladly spill the tea on the other madness in my life. I will gladly let you in on some messed up family drama, crazy co-workers, and past relationships disasters that are too juicy not to let out… on the first date.
I Hold a Masters Degree in Canceling Plans
Remember that part where I said I’m more inclined to a night in the house eating and watching Netflix? That is my aesthetic. 24/7.
Though I may be excited about the idea of going out a week or two from now, when the actual day comes I’m really going to want nothing more than to watch Jersey Boys or The Greatest Showman for the millionth time.
Last minute dates are the way to my heart. If I have time to think about it, there’s a good chance I’m going to change my mind.
I Spend Roughly 99% of My Time Overthinking… EVERYTHING
My mind is running a mile a minute at every moment of my waking day, and often when I’m asleep. A conversation isn’t just a conversation to me. To me it will turn into something that I will spend days analyzing in my head over and over again. Like, “what did he mean when he said ‘hey’ in that tone?”
I think deeply and passionately about everything. In some aspects of life, this can seem great but it’s not something easily understood by others.
I Remember Everything and Nothing
I will remember everything from your childhood stories and wildest dreams. I will remember inconsequential details from moments in time that I will likely bring up and you’ll wonder why the hell anyone would remember that.
But I’m going to totally forget that I’ve already told you the same story a million times.
I Want You to Stay On Your Side of the Bed
I am a fan of cuddling as much as anyone else. Sometimes I wanna be the big spoon, maybe I’ll switch it up and want to be the little. You never know! What I can tell you, is when it’s time to go to sleep I don’t want you anywhere near me.
Remember the ex that asked about the cat love? He didn’t get that at all. That boy would latch on to me like I was trying to run away and would not let go. When I finally gathered the nerve to tell him to knock it off, he cried. Legit got upset and cried about me not wanting to cuddle all night long, in Florida, during the summer.
I’m Going to Write About You
I tend to keep an account of my dates. Well, my bad dates mostly. When I first started writing “You’re Doing It Wrong” I was planning on including a lot of stories of “fail dates” that I had been on and so many of them were written. Since the book has evolved over the years, these essay have fallen by the wayside. This doesn’t mean they’re gone! I have plans for them.
The point is, my life is written about in one way or another and if you become a part of it, you’re going to be included in that narrative.