What Am I Even Doing Anymore

It was around this time last year that I had my own version of a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital. It was far from being a pleasant time in my life.

As I write this now, I’m know I’m in the middle of a depression. It feels a lot like the flu but I know what the truth is. I’ve been down this road before. The exhaustions, the aches, the insomnia. I’m a walking textbook.

Gotta love it.

I’ve been fighting with a lot of self-doubt lately on a number of levels and it hasn’t been the greatest. The past few weeks have done a great job at kicking me in the ass and I can only do so much to stop it from keeping me down.

I guess the good part is that there are some ups to go along with the downs so at least it’s been a roller coaster ride over a freefall into disaster. The problem is that the downs are getting longer and the ups aren’t reaching quite as high as they were before.

I’m trying to figure out what I need to do to pull myself out of this. I really wish I had it in me to take a trip somewhere. I don’t even know where I’d want to go or what that would even accomplish. I feel like it might just be an excuse to run away from my problems.

It’s not going to help.

My next thought is taking a gap week. I did this last year where I took a week off from everything and focused on getting some work done. I spent the week writing and revising for “You’re Doing It Wrong” and next thing I knew, I had written “Cyberbullying.”

This seems like a likely scenario but I won’t be able to do it until April at the earliest.

Maybe that’s what I need.

What I really could use is a winning lottery ticket. That would help.

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it probably would buy a little bit of stress relief.

I’ve also hit a major wall with writing and it’s driving me insane. I had such great momentum and then it got derailed something fierce. I honestly think that receiving rejection letters from agents has something to do with it. Not the biggest ego boost.

Every time I sit down to get some writing done, I’ve got nothing.

When I do get the ball rolling I’m filled with a lot of doubt about what the whole point is. Whether or not it’s any good. Whether anyone even cares.

Every once and a while I catch a glimmer of hope but it’s fleeting.

Maybe it’s time to go back and look at it all again.

From the beginning.

I know what the point is but am I getting it across?

Then there’s the question of me.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking these past few months of how much I wish I could go back and relive the last ten years, knowing what I do now. Having learned these lessons. To maybe, hopefully, get a chance to try again and do some things right and others, better.

Hindsight is 20/20.

The best hope is that I can do better in these next ten years.

It’s baby steps though.

I know that I’m going through a rough time right now. My better sense keeps me from writing about it on the internet and my pride keeps me from reaching out to friends. My depression and anxiety tells me I have no friends to reach out to anyway.

I’m giving myself time to deal with these emotions. There’s that quote we all know and love. You know the one. About meltdowns and unpacking? Picking yourself up by the bootstraps? Being a strong independent woman?

That last one might be Beyonce.

Let me find it.

I’ve giving myself my meltdown. It doesn’t own me, it doesn’t define me. I’m just letting myself feel.

Things are bad, but that only means they can get better.

Just have to finish the journey through the dark.